It's been a while, I apologize for that....especially for the worry I have caused you. I think last I blogged was Oct. 2011 and SO much has happened since.
Disneyland, of course, was a blast. Being in a wheelchair definitely had it's advantages, no waiting in line, and there was plenty of people to trade off pushing me around. Side note......I have and annual passport, so if anyone ever wants to use me and my 'Front of the line' access, I would be happy to accomodate...hehehe! Just saying...lol ;-) Here is a picture of our group:
November 1, 2011 was supposed to be my last treatment in the first 6 month round of chemotherapy. But my white blood counts, and platlets were off and I just kept losing weight. So, Dr. Dekker opted to let me take a break. Turns out it wasn't much of a break, I continued to lose weight and strength. I developed neuropthy in my hands, arms, feet and legs...making it more difficult to walk. I was able to see my surgeon, Dr. Lin and get surgery for the reversal of my colostomy scheduled for December 30, 2011. So I ended up spending New Years and my Birthday in the hospital. Eleven days in the Hospital this time...and longer to recover, it was just harder on my body. Biopsies showed cancer was still present in my body....no new growth, just residual from after chemo. Thank you everyone who visited me and sent beautiful flowers.
As I was recouping from surgery I received a phone call saying I no longer had a job to go back to and my state disablilty was going to run out the 20th of March. Needless to say the combination of being blindsided by work, the pain, the lack of sleep and the fact that I still had Cancer and would have more treatment, caused me to spiral into a deep deep depression. For me that means I hide away from everyone and everything. That is why I was not on Facebook......I honestly couldn't think of a single good thing to say. I had NO hope, no faith.....I asked God to bring me home. It was a very dark time for me. After trying a couple of different pain medications, my Dr. finally found two that worked good enough to take the edge off and I could start functioning.......although I still am not sleeping ( working on different meds for that as well). Taking Valium right now and that relaxes me, but not enough to sleep. It's a horrible feeling.....just watching the clock, the minutes, tick away.
Saw Dr. Dekker twice in the last few weeks, my sister, brother and sister in law went with me to different appointments....( so blessed to have them in my life). Did LOTS of blood work, and another CT SCAN ( a picture of the CT SCANNING machine to follow) the scan showed new Cancer growth, on the outside of my liver, outside my colon and lymphnodes, so, I start Chemotherapy again next week, . With a new type of drug. I'm nervous about that and what new side effects it will have, but I'm ready to try. I have just started having enough hair to style a little and now I may lose it AGAIN.!!!!
This is the GROSS liquid dye that I have to drink before the SCAN....thought I was going to throw it up......but I didn't.
I have applied and gotten approved for Federal Disability. I also have gotten a Disabled Placard from the DMV to take with me when I am driven anywhere, because of the neuropathy I cannot drive. I cannot stand for more than five minutes without being in extreme pain ( even with pain meds). So watch out for me in Walmart and Target....those motorized wheelchairs go pretty fast.....LOL!!!!!
I'm worried about my High School Reunion coming up in September, that will be towards the end of my therapy and I remember how bad I felt at the end of my first round of chemotherapy. I will most likely have to be in a wheelchair, but we shall see. I bought my ticket, I want to go SO bad and to see everyone that has been SO supportive to me during this last year, I want to see them, look them in the eye and tell them just how much they have made a wonderfully positive difference in my recovery...I wouldn't have made it without them and family of course. I try not to think about my chances of survival....but can't help wondering if this reunion will be the last time I am able to see you all.
I'm grateful to those of you that continued to post on my facebook wall, even though I didn't answer, and those of you who called and called even though I didn't feel like I could answer and talk......you all kept at me and helped me get through this horrible depression. Thank you.!~
So that is where I am at right now. The Cancer is still here....but so am I: Round one goes to cancer. On to round two.
'Til next time, love and light to you all.....
Love, Joni
P.S. For some reason my spell check is not working ....so be patient with me if I have mis-spelled anything.
